I went for a drink with one of my straight female friends the other day who wanted to have a moan about her boyfriend. She was getting weary of his addiction to video games and his poor personal hygiene.
As she downed her fifth glass of Pinot Grigio, she confessed that her boyfriend liked to fart in bed and then hold her head under the covers. ‘God I wish I was a lesbian’ she said with a mournful sigh and I patted her arm in sympathy.
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, but it’s bloody great being a lesbian. Aside from the obvious bonus that we get to date women, there are many other unexpected advantages:
We have more female friends
Straight women are predators and often see other women as a threat. As a lesbian, you are the ultimate trustworthy friend as there is zero chance of you flirting with or stealing your mate’s man. Do a lot of straight women consider you to be their best friend? Yep, I thought so.
We don’t have to eat the smallest pork chop
When serving dinner you don’t have to automatically take the smallest portion in order to look dainty and feminine. In fact, giving yourself to a few extra chips is helping your girlfriend along with her diet. Nom nom nom.
We get to watch the best TV
You can spend a whole day watching a Sex And The City box set or get hooked on Downton Abbey and your other half is unlikely to complain. In fact, she will probably be curled up watching it with you.
We get to go to stag parties… and hen parties
Your male friends consider you to be ‘one of the lads’ and you get to go to the stag dos with all the associated debauchery. Of course, you are also invited to hen parties with the added bonus you can bring your girlfriend along too.
Cost saving
The cost of expensive but necessary items such as hairdryers is halved and clothes, shoes, makeup and jewellery can all be shared. If you are lucky enough to date someone the same size as you, your wardrobe instantly doubles.
There’s no baby pressure
For most women, as soon as there’s a sniff of a serious relationship unfolding the well-meaning relatives begin to enquire about the patter of tiny feet. For us lesbians, the family are unlikely to know about the options and procedures for gay couples having children and are probably uncertain about the etiquette of asking, so they avoid the subject altogether. Thank heavens for that.
Data is on our side
Statistically, your partner is more likely to stay faithful and is less likely to give you a STD if you are in a lesbian relationship. You partner is less likely to snore and you probably share household chores equally compared with your straight female counterparts who do 75% of the boring jobs. Women also live longer than men. Boom.
And last, but by no means least…
The Sex
How many times have bewildered blokes or straight girls asked their lesbian friends ‘but how do you have sex without a penis?’
Apart from the unique closeness and passion of lesbian relationships, the fact that the typical lesbian bedroom scenario contains two pairs of breasts, two clitorises, two g-spots and maybe even a bag of sex toys makes it the most varied type of sex there is. There is far too much fun going on for anybody to be missing a penis, with the added bonus that nobody has to sleep in the wet patch.
Sorry guys!
